Contemplations of my life
Wednesday, September 25, 2002
This is the last journal entry for this blog. Peace out Motha fuckers.
To sum up this past year of my life is a hard one at that. I feel that in such a little time in my life I have grown and learned a lot about myself. From small things about friendships to the everlasting questions about girls. Through my trials and errors I have learned so much that I can't even write it down. It's hard to say what I did but somehow I know. I found out what a true friend is. I found out what little role High School is in life. It's nothing. Nothing at all except one last year to fuck around. Yes this is my last one so I'm going out with a band. Nothings going to stop me. The one thing that I have found out is that everything that I revolve around is music. Weather talking about some show that is going to be happening later. What bands bands I know are playing with. Everything. It scares me. It makes me so happy, but when I think about it is it an act? I say I love music and it's easy to say that but do I? Of course I do but the question still lingers in my head.
To me this Journal started out for me as being fun. If you look back you can tell how much fun it was for me. I would talk about the things not worth talking about such as soda. Now look at me I don't drink soda. Back then it was something new and I had fun talking. As I continued to write in it it become a secret way of telling people stuff. Sure it was my diary and I can say what I want in it, but the intention was for certain people at different times to read it. It become sad for me. Then I started to notice it too within other diaries and It made me sad. For reason only it's a new way of creating drama. Drama will always be there no matter what but let's not ruin the servers. It's everybody escape from what we know as the "real world." I love to write such as now, but I'm only doing it because I feel obliageted to write. From the beginning I always loved to sit down and write and write. Til these past months I had no ambition of writing it it. It was something new and then I conqured it and now I'm done. That's another thing I've noticed with me. I conquer something or get used to it then I become sick of it. It happens to me a lot with some people. Not my close friends but people who somehow come into my life pretending to be my best pal and expect me to act like it when I've done nothing to ingage the action.
This is where I let go of everything.
Let's look at me and girls. Yeah this last month I met a girl and of course I blew it. Somehow I blow it and it makes me sad because It happens to me a lot. Maybe it's because I say it's happend to me a lot and it's just some excuse for me to cover that up which is what I think the truth it. I just don't know anymore. That's why I fell such the need to not be in high school. I'm too old for it, which is true but I just don't act like it. Maybe it's not me acting just needing. I want to get away. Not like I wanted to get a way I just feel that I've conquered it and want out. To me I remember being sad about something so stupid that I wanted to get away. I found out that was just some stupid easy way of pushing aside my feelings. Nothing was ever done by me saying I wanted to get out. Nothing. Was I expecting results? I don't know. As much as I say I want out, I'm afraid of what that will become. From what I hear from someone who left tucson it's the best thing ever and he doesn't feel the need whatsoever to come back here. I mean sure he would want to see family everyone once in a while but other then that everything else is an old memory. A good time. I have those now. Weather it's having old fashioned fun. Of expirementing with the drinking in the weed. Those things don't scare me. I feel so low that stupid things like that don't scare me but other things like a band.
I thought music was it for me. I would play my little guitar and jump. I thought that made me happy. As I look at it now that was the best thing that ever happend to me. To see the light. I look at bands now and see what they really are. They're guys or girls seem to be having fun up on stage. On the inside there are internal fueds going on. They hide feelings just for sake of a "band." It's terrible to see what happens when all this feelings come out. The best result would not to have to worry about the band. Just the people in it. There is some bands that don't have thier feuds but that's only cause they're getting paid not too. Like you may be reading this right now and be like your full of shit but honest to god there is a little bit of truth in there.
How people change? For the better? For the worse? I've decided for the most part that I'm out of tucson after graduation time comes. No matter what. I love tucson don't get me wrong there is so much to do here it's just how you make it with what you got. I love skrappys. I love all that goes on here in tucson weather it's getting drunk outside of bryan's house or smoking at someones house in the wee'd hours of the morning. Weather it's going to the mall and throwing tampons at the young high schoolers thinking we're bad ass cause we can drive. We all take roles weather we're ready for them or not. Now that I'm a senior I feel the need to be stupid. Go out and party. But being stupid kills people. This past weekend I almost got drunk just because i liked this girl and she was wanting me too. I didn't thou just so I could drive and make sure she would be safe driving home and not being killed. Choices. That was one choice that at the time seemed stupid but I look at it now and think was there any other choices? I'm not some crazy party kid. I'm not at all. Everyonce in a while i like to get rid of what's binding me everyday and just relax. I absolutly believe that everybody needs to do something that will do that to them. Not to the point of everyday but just to let go of all the stupid events that happend that month.
Wow there is still a lot on my mind and most of it's good. I'm just gald that I'm alive. Girls will come and will go. Friends will be there but will always be different. Family will stay but won't be as close as friends. Nintendo is there for life. Peace out ya'll. If you learned one thing from all of this just now that I'm real. Peace out ya'll. ¶ 2:23 PM 0 Comments
To sum up this past year of my life is a hard one at that. I feel that in such a little time in my life I have grown and learned a lot about myself. From small things about friendships to the everlasting questions about girls. Through my trials and errors I have learned so much that I can't even write it down. It's hard to say what I did but somehow I know. I found out what a true friend is. I found out what little role High School is in life. It's nothing. Nothing at all except one last year to fuck around. Yes this is my last one so I'm going out with a band. Nothings going to stop me. The one thing that I have found out is that everything that I revolve around is music. Weather talking about some show that is going to be happening later. What bands bands I know are playing with. Everything. It scares me. It makes me so happy, but when I think about it is it an act? I say I love music and it's easy to say that but do I? Of course I do but the question still lingers in my head.
To me this Journal started out for me as being fun. If you look back you can tell how much fun it was for me. I would talk about the things not worth talking about such as soda. Now look at me I don't drink soda. Back then it was something new and I had fun talking. As I continued to write in it it become a secret way of telling people stuff. Sure it was my diary and I can say what I want in it, but the intention was for certain people at different times to read it. It become sad for me. Then I started to notice it too within other diaries and It made me sad. For reason only it's a new way of creating drama. Drama will always be there no matter what but let's not ruin the servers. It's everybody escape from what we know as the "real world." I love to write such as now, but I'm only doing it because I feel obliageted to write. From the beginning I always loved to sit down and write and write. Til these past months I had no ambition of writing it it. It was something new and then I conqured it and now I'm done. That's another thing I've noticed with me. I conquer something or get used to it then I become sick of it. It happens to me a lot with some people. Not my close friends but people who somehow come into my life pretending to be my best pal and expect me to act like it when I've done nothing to ingage the action.
This is where I let go of everything.
Let's look at me and girls. Yeah this last month I met a girl and of course I blew it. Somehow I blow it and it makes me sad because It happens to me a lot. Maybe it's because I say it's happend to me a lot and it's just some excuse for me to cover that up which is what I think the truth it. I just don't know anymore. That's why I fell such the need to not be in high school. I'm too old for it, which is true but I just don't act like it. Maybe it's not me acting just needing. I want to get away. Not like I wanted to get a way I just feel that I've conquered it and want out. To me I remember being sad about something so stupid that I wanted to get away. I found out that was just some stupid easy way of pushing aside my feelings. Nothing was ever done by me saying I wanted to get out. Nothing. Was I expecting results? I don't know. As much as I say I want out, I'm afraid of what that will become. From what I hear from someone who left tucson it's the best thing ever and he doesn't feel the need whatsoever to come back here. I mean sure he would want to see family everyone once in a while but other then that everything else is an old memory. A good time. I have those now. Weather it's having old fashioned fun. Of expirementing with the drinking in the weed. Those things don't scare me. I feel so low that stupid things like that don't scare me but other things like a band.
I thought music was it for me. I would play my little guitar and jump. I thought that made me happy. As I look at it now that was the best thing that ever happend to me. To see the light. I look at bands now and see what they really are. They're guys or girls seem to be having fun up on stage. On the inside there are internal fueds going on. They hide feelings just for sake of a "band." It's terrible to see what happens when all this feelings come out. The best result would not to have to worry about the band. Just the people in it. There is some bands that don't have thier feuds but that's only cause they're getting paid not too. Like you may be reading this right now and be like your full of shit but honest to god there is a little bit of truth in there.
How people change? For the better? For the worse? I've decided for the most part that I'm out of tucson after graduation time comes. No matter what. I love tucson don't get me wrong there is so much to do here it's just how you make it with what you got. I love skrappys. I love all that goes on here in tucson weather it's getting drunk outside of bryan's house or smoking at someones house in the wee'd hours of the morning. Weather it's going to the mall and throwing tampons at the young high schoolers thinking we're bad ass cause we can drive. We all take roles weather we're ready for them or not. Now that I'm a senior I feel the need to be stupid. Go out and party. But being stupid kills people. This past weekend I almost got drunk just because i liked this girl and she was wanting me too. I didn't thou just so I could drive and make sure she would be safe driving home and not being killed. Choices. That was one choice that at the time seemed stupid but I look at it now and think was there any other choices? I'm not some crazy party kid. I'm not at all. Everyonce in a while i like to get rid of what's binding me everyday and just relax. I absolutly believe that everybody needs to do something that will do that to them. Not to the point of everyday but just to let go of all the stupid events that happend that month.
Wow there is still a lot on my mind and most of it's good. I'm just gald that I'm alive. Girls will come and will go. Friends will be there but will always be different. Family will stay but won't be as close as friends. Nintendo is there for life. Peace out ya'll. If you learned one thing from all of this just now that I'm real. Peace out ya'll. ¶ 2:23 PM 0 Comments
Sunday, September 22, 2002
Yes!!! Hold on. Yeah.
¶ 2:14 AM 0 Comments
Thursday, September 19, 2002
Well besides me playing nintendo a lot these past weeks not too much has happend in the life of matt. that's me. Well one very exciting thing is that for the first time in a long time i actully like a girl. i mean there's also been girls i've had crushes on and be like that girls hot. That's all it usully is. But this one girl i actully like a lot. I hope something will come out of it because just thinking about it makes me happy. I forgot how good it makes you feel when you like someone and they might like you back.
I got so many good vinyls a week ago. Ahh man they're such good ones. My friend suzanne at work give them to me and they're gold. Ahh they're so so good. And i play nintendo a lot. I actully started reading enders game too. Peace out. ¶ 9:47 PM 0 Comments
I got so many good vinyls a week ago. Ahh man they're such good ones. My friend suzanne at work give them to me and they're gold. Ahh they're so so good. And i play nintendo a lot. I actully started reading enders game too. Peace out. ¶ 9:47 PM 0 Comments
Thursday, September 05, 2002
Alright I made a sacrifice today and went out and bought Super Mario Sunshine over paying my cell phone bill. This game is amazing. I thought it looked lame at first but now that I play it it's incredible. Not only that but Starfox adventures comes out on the 25. That's going to be awesome. Just so you guys are warned It's almost been a year of my life in this journel and it's on a lifeline right now. It doesn't have too many days left so please start sending gifts.
¶ 9:04 PM 0 Comments
